APPLICATION FOR PERMISSION TO DATE MAGGIE CHRISTINE GRAHAM
NOTE: This application will be considered incomplete and rejected unless accompanied by a complete financial statement, job history, driving record, lineage, and current certified medical report (including drug tests) from your doctor.
1. NAME ___________________________ DATE OF BIRTH ________________
2. HEIGHT _________ WEIGHT ________ I.Q _______ G.P.A.____________
3. SOCIAL SECURITY # _____________ DRIVERS LICENSE #________________
4. BOY SCOUT RANK_______________________________________________
5. HOME ADDRESS _________________ CITY/STATE _______ ZIP __________
6. Tell me everything about your parents, in 50 words or less. _______________________________________________________________
7. Number of years your parents have been married _________________________
8. Do you own a van? ____ A truck with oversized tires? ____ A waterbed? ________
Do you have an earring, nose ring, belly button ring, or a tattoo? _________________
(If “yes” to any of #8, discontinue application and leave premises… QUICKLY.)
9. In 50 words or less, what does “LATE” mean to you?_______________________
10. In 50 words or less, what does “DON’T TOUCH MY DAUGHTER” mean to you?
11. In 50 words or less, what does “ABSTINENCE” mean to you?__________________
12. Church you attend __________ How often do you attend____________________
13. When would be the best time to interview your father, mother and Priest/Rabbi/Mullah/Minister? ________________________________________
14. Answer by filling in the blank: please answer freely. ALL answers are confidential (That means I won’t tell anyone -ever- I promise. Really.)
a) If I were shot, the last place on my body I would want wounded is _______________.
b) If I were beaten, the last bone I would want broken is my ____________________.
c) A woman’s place is in the___________________________________________.
d) The one thing I hope this application does not ask me about is _________________.
e) When I first meet a girl, the first thing I notice about her is ___________________.
( NOTE: If your answer begins with “T” or “A”, discontinue. Leave premises keeping your
head low. Running in a serpentine fashion is well advised.)
15. What do you want to be IF you grow up? ______________________________
I SWEAR THAT ALL INFORMATION SUPPLIED ABOVE IS TRUE AND CORRECT TO THE BEST OF MY KNOWLEDGE UNDER PENALTY OF DEATH, DISMEMBERMENT, NATIVE AMERICAN ANT TORTURE, ELECTROCUTION, CHINESE WATER TORTURE, AND RED HOT POKERS.
Signature (That means sign your name.)
*Thank you for your interest. Please allow four to six years for processing. You will be notified in writing if you are approved. Please do not try to call or write. If you do attempt any communication before your application is approved, automatic disqualification will result.
If your application is rejected, you will be notified by two gentlemen wearing white ties and carrying violin cases (You might want to watch your back… jes sayin’…)
10 Rules for Dating Maggie Christine Graham
Rule One: If you pull into my driveway and honk you’d better be delivering, because you’re sure not picking anything up.
Rule Two: You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her while talking, so long as you do not peer below her neck. If you cannot keep your hands off of my daughter’s body in public, I will remove them from your arms.
Rule Three: I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don’t take this as an insult, but I think you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: Should you come to the door with your underwear showing and/or your pants ten sizes too big, I will not object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact, come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waistline.
Rule Four: I’m sure you’ve been told that in today’s world, sex without utilizing some kind of “barrier method” can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it comes to sex, I am the deadly barrier. You will not have sex with my daughter until after you marry her. My permission is required before you make any proposal to her. Any attempts to do so will result in your disappearance. No, I will not make this a public affair that would embarrass you. Your disappearance will say more than a public announcement.
Rule Five: It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only words I need from you on this subject is:”Sir” and “early.”
Rule Six: I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you scream.
Rule Seven: As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating my daughter. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process than can take longer than painting the Cheat Lake Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don’t you do something useful, like cutting my lawn or changing the oil in my cars?
Rule Eight: The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are no crowds, beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or carefree happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka — zipped up to her throat. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which feature chain saws or hangings are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes are better.
Rule Nine: Do not lie to me. Ever. I may appear to be a potbellied, balding, middle-aged, dimwitted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless God of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have only one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. In my shop and my home I have many chemicals, such as hot lime, many firearms, shovels, a backhoe, and five acres behind the house. Do not mess with my mind if you wish to see the next sunrise. Short truthful answers are best.
Rule Ten: After dark, you will blow your horn once, and only once, when leaving the highway. As soon as you pull in front of the house, you should exit the car with both hands in plain sight. Speak in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, remain standing next to your car. Do not escort my daughter to the front door hoping for a kiss on the cheek — there is no need for you to come inside my home after the sun sets. After my daughter enters the house, restart your car and quietly leave my property. The speed limit is 10 mph entering or exiting the property. Do not stop to chat with the man holding the night sight equipped rifle, that will be me.
Be afraid of me. Yes, very, very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistakenly determine that the dust cloud from your fancy car on the road from the highway is an attack on our home. After the sun sets, as I anxiously wait for you to bring my daughter home, Agent Orange or other things from my past which I have been exposed to frequently start acting up, the voices in my head tell me to clean, lock and load all the weapons in my arsenal in order to prepare for a “Level One” attack after dark on my compound. I have confused the sound of musical noises coming from a young man’s car in my driveway with a Huey chopper firing into a rice paddy outside Da Nang during a midnight mortar attack, so turn the darned music off! I hope you have a pleasant experience dating my daughter, Maggie!